We’ve learned a lot about women’s sexual desire in the last few decades.
Back when sexologists were mostly male, sexual desire—or “libido” —used to be thought of as like some kind of hydraulic pressure in the body. Like the pressure most young men feel when they need to ejaculate.
But the hydraulic model doesn’t fit the facts of most women’s sexual desire. Most women need a reason to have sex. Otherwise, they might go for a long time without feeling desire.
Men need a reason to have sex, too. But for most men, the reason can be as simple as your partner taking off their shirt.
Most men’s minds tend readily to say “yes” to sex. Whereas most women’s minds tend to say “maybe,” or “that depends.”
A sex therapist once said, when a straight couple comes to see her because they aren’t having sex, the male partner is almost always still regularly masturbating. Often the women has stopped masturbating, or does it only rarely.
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In the absence of satisfying sex, it’s as if the woman’s sexual desire has just gone to sleep. Like the screen-saver program on an old-fashioned desktop computer, a woman’s sexual desire system will often stay in “sleep mode” until someone moves the mouse.
I’ve noticed that heterosexual women’s sexual desire sometimes confuses men. They miss it completely.
If a woman doesn’t feel desired, then the sex itself may not seem so appealing.
Wait, you say. Doesn’t everyone know how important it is for most women to feel desired?
You’d be surprised. I see many men who have no clue how important this is for women’s sexual desire.
Now here’s something that I find baffles most men: In order to feel desired, a woman may sometimes actually move away from her partner — in the hopes he’ll come running after her.
That’s so foreign to the average male mind that few men understand it at all.